Monthly Archives: July 2012

I, Renunciate

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I was born from a change in reality.

Shiva called me to meditation. You never know when Godhead will call, but you know it when it happens. And for me meditation often takes on a form people rarely talk about because its complicated nature makes it difficult to explain or understand in any way that seems anything but antithetical to meditation. But sometimes for me meditation begins in what seems like unruly mind-wandering, pesky persistent, even perhaps trivial or distracting thoughts rolling out one over the other. But tonight before I had even traveled that far inside I felt a pleasing low tingle fizzing warm in all the right places. From the inside out I saw a glowing almost cartoon-like self… I saw and felt the vibration of the self I formlessly imagine myself being, auramatic, all the lights on inside and out—a radiant being of color and light. And the vibration of “her” as an ideal self emanated from me.

And out of this meditation no-no and glowing sense of self—which was so tangible I could open my eyes, think about the material world around me, then close my eyes and slide right back into the luminescent vision–I had my first revelation, something so seemingly simple that it had to come from Shiva. I began to fantasize about someone in my life, about having any man I liked with me now. I so wanted his touch and comfort, so wanted him to take me away from the god-awful loneliness and complete my womanhood. Yet these lonesome longings weren’t depressing, they were a flickering source of new light. The lesson was that Shiva, Lord of Desire, was filling me with desire! The very desire I had been praying for. A healthy, human, and eagerly anticipated and perhaps even holy desire. I want to be loved, physically, emotionally, sexually. Thank Shiva… I have desire which for so long I have lived without.

And then my mind moved, edging ever closer to another moment of clarity, which is what I call my revelatory moments… moments of clarity. Clarity. I know these moments to be divine because I only get them in moments of profound Godhead. In a neurotic world, a panic-stricken time, and time of great personal change and risk… clarity is divine, and nothing is more divine than clarity, not to me in light of my nature.

I choose not to discuss these things with cynics. It’s a waste of time. And we have so little of that. Can’t cynics see that their words and ideas are so wispy and frail in the shadow of Godhead experiences as to be not merely meaningless but pitiable? Their words have no meaning when such light shines holes through them, such words sparkle a little like dust in the light, barely existing at all, intangible then gone.

And then came another moment of clarity, three, not only is this divine in nature, but in number as well. 3. The all important number. I began feeling guilty about all this non-Shivacentric thinking, Then I realized that THIS was why Shiva had called me to this here and now meditation, it was not to kneel before him and give thanks and worship, nor even to find that peaceful awareness of Atma. No, Shiva had called me to meditation so that I could KNOW these things. That is valid. Shiva does not have to reveal his truths through narrow paths.

Which led me to another moment of clarity, and that being that the living of my life is worthy. Not only is it my Sva Dharma, but it is also a self-consciousness of a spiritual nature. The nature of my being shares a major commonality with that of Chaitanya and Lord Shiva to name only two. Some believe people of my nature are sacred, blessed, chosen. And so this life I am leading is one that needs paid attention to, It is one that needs to be appreciated. It is a gift. I know things other people will never know. This is not ego, this is gratitude. I have been granted a gift and I must cherish it and live every moment in awe of it.

I know what it is like to be born from a change in reality. When I made the decision to transition, it was not at all to “find” who I was, but to RELEASE who I am and was forever meant to be, like a second life released from the prison of the first—a Phoenix from the ashes. And THAT is a self-involvement worth examination. Again, this is not ego, but gratitude, the meditation I am meant to focus on. This is my path and my duty, to be me without compromise. My path is not like others, nor is it to become a traditional renunciate. No, I am a renunciate NOW, but a renunciate of a different nature.

I renounce through action, and that action is living my life.

Om Namah Shivaiya!

Reminded

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I was reminded today, by the partner of one of my students, that I have a blog, and that perhaps someone is reading it, and that I have been neglecting it. So I write. Sometimes I do not know what to say… actually, that is not true in the sense that I have nothing to say, oh, no, I have lots to say. What I struggle with is “WHAT” to say… or more to the point, what not to say. What is appropriate? Students read this thing. How much do I want them to know? How personal or emotional do I want to get? How do the things I blog about affect my credibility in the eyes of students and colleagues?

Of course I have no idea how to answer these questions. I know what I worry about is very much in conflict what what I personally want. What I want is to simply tell the truth… or at least the truth as I see, understand or feel it at the moment.

So, how about some news? I am moving, to Gainesville at last. The physicality of that is finally happening. I have a place and I have stuff in it… and at the moment I have sinuses full of the dust and cobwebs I cleaned out of that place. Emotionally, as is almost always the case, I am conflicted… terrified that I can’t afford the rent (absurdly low as it is) and terribly excited about the place. Ultimately I have no choice but to make it work. After all, if I can’t make it work, where am I going to go? I have nowhere to turn. No family to fall back on, no friends with money… it’s all me, me and several hundred bucks. It’s a bitch.

But it’s good. I am happy here, and I have hope that I have finally found my path.