Found this in my fortune cookie today. The odd thing is, most of the time I don’t bother with them, I just leave them, but for some reason today I felt consciously compelled, and made a deliberate decision, to check the fortune… why? Well, this is what I found:
“One must dare to be herself however frightening or strange that self may prove to be.”
“Cause they told me everybody’s got to pay their dues
And I explained that I had overpaid them”
Sixto Rodriguez
Amen brother! Amen.
I dedicated this set to Joe Thomas.
Well, last time I had a gig here in Gainesville I wrote a post mortem, and it was rather negative. That time it was a solo gig, this time I shared the evening with Kathleen Taylor (lovely, sweet, nimble-fingered and generous) and Cracker the Box (intense, groovy, bluesy, first-rate and dark), but I will let them assess their own performances. As for mine, well, I am still struggling with my voice… I don’t yet seem to have found it. Due to a number of–uhm…er…uh… changes–my voice has become a source of major complication and profound insecurity.
But, apart from that, it may have, surprisingly, been the most at ease and competent I have ever felt on stage anywhere at any time. Why? I don’t know. The crowd was surprisingly large and the room pleasantly packed. The other acts were known in town and beloved, my soundcheck was a nightmare of insecurities and sad shrill mumblings… but somehow, by Saraswati’s grace, once I sat down and looked out at everyone, I just felt “ON.” I decided on-the-spot to forget about my insecurities about my voice and just give ‘em the best I was able to do at the time, and to lean into THAT; lean into all I had. I decided not to question myself or freak out, just to freaking sing! So sing I did.
And far more amazing, something else happened that was quite a shock, all the little bluesy bass notes I popped with my thumb, all the little variations and riffs were there, RIGHT THERE where I needed them to be. I had NO fumbling or loss of dexterity. Dear God, for the first time ever on stage… my fingers actually worked. For me the highlights of the evening were the electric numbers: McCartney’s “Letting Go,” and my original “Chokin’ ’99.” I felt good, felt on, felt as though people were in for a surprise as I was the unknown, the opening act, “she who had to prover herself.” As for the audience, they were very responsive, attentive, and appreciative… very appreciative.
And apart from half a can of PBR I was sober.
It was a good night.
Well, it’s here, gig night. I used to get so nervous on stage that I could hardly function at all, so I drank whiskey. But then again I drank whiskey in my coffee in the morning before going in to teach, drank whiskey when I practiced, and carried some around in a flask just in case I needed more. It worked, it helped, took the edge off enough that I could play. All that drinking and stagefright eventually forced me to stop performing at all.
Nowadays I don’t drink like that. And I don’t really feel as nervous, I get nervous, a little sloppy, but I still play better in public than I used to. And nowadays I have Saraswati to guide me, and I realize, thanks to my spiritual life, that being an artist, musician and teacher is my duty (in the largest sense) and so being nervous and failing to do my duty is something of a sin.
So, here it is, gig night, and I am ready to do my duty.
It was amazing. The year is over but we ALL (all the students and Tom and I) got together tonight at Satchel’s Pizza to celebrate Adrian’s comic that he did for Satchel (and he actually made money!) then went back to SAW to watch a Spike Jones documentary. God was it a lovely evening. I think the warmth is so evident in this photo. Too bad you couldn’t see Sally or Anna (my two favorites, I don’t know if I’ve said this before, but their work stands head and shoulders above the rest-wink-). And to top it off, the photo doesn’t make me want to cry, I actually think I look rather pretty. And to the barefoot fans who read in, of course I was barefoot!
What to say? Other than life is grand and I now know what it feels like to finally have everything you ever wanted, I haven’t much more to say. So, what is it like having everything you always wanted? It’s too foreign an experience to quantify… I feel like at any moment now this will end like a vacation and I’ll have to go “home” to whatever ghetto I belong in. Below you will see a photo of the SAW gang on the back porch of the house I live in: from left to right: Sally, Me (in back), Anna (on ground), co-founder Leela Corman, Adrian, Our fearless leader Tom Hart, and Eric, (student Mike not pictured):
(By the way, contrary to how this looks, we were all happy, but this picture was taken while we were Skyping with a graduation keynote speaker so the moment was more ceremonial and educational than celebratory.)
Beautiful place, beautiful people. We held our graduation party out here yesterday, and it was lovely and made even more lovely by the fact that it was not an end. I’m here for good, Tom and Leela of course live here, Anna lives here, and now Eric and Sally are here to stay in Gainesville, too. Soon, thanks to SAW, Gainesville will be the city comic book artists from all over will call home, where they will settle down and be happy. I’m proud of my students and have given them endless credit for their growth and dedication, but last night, for the first time, I realized that we teachers had a big hand in that, too. Their growth belongs to all of us, we did this together, and does it ever feel good to be in the business of changing lives. What a day, sun, amazing food, and perhaps the most relaxed and tension-free gathering I’ve ever been to. There was magic at SAW this year, an auspicious gathering of talents and warm-heartedness that rarely comes along. Funny, but usually the day after an event like that I feel drained and sort of saddened that it’s over, but today I’m all smiles and joy. You know something was good when you still feel good the day after the BIG DAY.
Here are a couple other pics from our day, one of Lake Newnan (which is what I’m staring off at in the pic above), and the alligator that lives in our pond.
Found this on the SAW web-site today regarding my career as an artist and teacher… from the one and only Frank Thorne:
“…don’t know much about “art,’ even though I’ve been drawing and writing for over 60 years. I always held the belief that “art” cannot be taught. But, looking over the SAW website, methinks that yours is the correct approach. Witness Justine, the very embodiment of the artist’s profile. I’ve known her for many years, and have been a fan from the very beginning. She is extremely gifted, and will be on hand to help your students open the doors of perception.
Give her a hug for me.”
F.Thorne
Once again, Frank descends from the heavens (or some other slightly less well-lit and sulfuric place) to heap praise and glories upon little old me! Thank you Frank, and I love you!
Here we go again, group! I’ve actually got 2 gigs booked for May, and here’s the first one:
Most beautiful quote about my teaching EVER from my student CJ, who said tonight:
“I’ve recorded all of Justine’s lectures in my heart.”
Beautiful, thanks! What more could any teacher ask for?
Tom, through SAW, has posted a nice little gallery of my work on Fickr, so if you wanna see more… here’s more…
http://www.flickr.com/photos/sequentialartistsworkshop/sets/72157633046371608/
