Mystical moments sometimes sprinkle about me like gently drizzling rain. For days now I’ve longed to paddle out onto Lake Newnan in the kayak, and today the lake was at its glassy best. The rowing was effortless, meditative, and I chanted:

Hare Krishna Hare Krishna
Krishna Krishna
Hare Hare
Hare Rama Hare Rama
Rama Rama
Hare Hare

Though not a “Krishna” per se, somehow this chant is as satisfying as the one I sing to Lord Shiva. And along the way I found one, two, three white feathers on the water, which I gathered to leave on my altar before Lord Shiva. The feathers brought to mind the white snake Durga had left for me, and they seemed auspicious, perhaps a sign of the end of the latest storm violently rocking my consciousness.

I followed the trail of feathers, another, another, another, though I only took three.

At last I floated in among the tall grasses, laid back, and napped as I floated.

Motionless.

Soon I heard the birds across the way take flight, splashing as they do, paddling, flapping, lifting up off the water. Then nothing.

Silence.

Perfect.

I rested peacefully, me and my white feathers, when I felt my boat begin to gently rock, the ripples left in the wake of the birds after they took flight were now rocking me in my meditation and rest. And as the ripples kept me ever so gently rolling, rolling, and rolling I realized how long it had taken the flock to take off.

I’ve never been gently rocked by birds.

It was a miracle, resting while the wake of the flying birds reminded me to breathe easy and be OK.

This is why I spend so much time in the kayak, and this is why I love living at the lakehouse so much. All summer this is what the lake looked like, floating islands covered in brilliant yellow flowers. This shot was taken from the backyard. Joe went up onto a ladder and snapped it. Not too far out from the house, by kayak, there’s a nice little cove behind the floating islands where the bald eagles fly overhead and the herons and cranes stand along the shoreline. I go there for the joy of it, but it’s also a meditative place I go to to clear my mind and let go of stress and depression. Om Namah Shivaiya!

And a pic taken by Sheanah on the day we kayaked on the lake:

I have, as of late, been so demoralized by “pronoun trouble” that I had fallen into grim acceptance and an impenetrable hopelessness about my identity. My whole sense of identity had, in fact, been, so I feared, hopelessly crushed forevermore. I, simply put, had given up. I had accepted that I am not nor will ever be compleat–not merely physically, but in my heart.

This evening, and I had no idea why, I have caught glimpses of myself in the mirror, my hair tamed into curls, my face fleshed out sweetly, my makeup just right, and thought… “Justine… you are SEXY!” Hell, even “FOXY.” And it felt good. No, it felt like salvation, so far down in my sense of self had I fallen.

And I recalled, just recalled moments ago, that just yesterday I pleaded with Goddess Durga to fill me with strength and pull me out of this black sense of self. I had forgotten my prayer. And not thinking once about that, not intending it, I had, on a whim, gone out today and bought a Durga murti for my altar.

Furthermore, my faith as of late has been hanging by a slender strand. I have felt distant from my Deities, but today, Durga once again, made it clear that She and They are forever with me. She listens and she sends me signs and strength.

And just as she sent the white snake to me, so she sends me this. And I know–cynics be damned–in this clarity, that my Gods are real, far more real than words and the science the tiny puddle of trifling pudding in our skulls devises to explain away the divine.

Durga is real, more real to me than constructs from the pudding will ever be. And I must leave flowers at her altar.

I was born from a change in reality.

Shiva called me to meditation. You never know when Godhead will call, but you know it when it happens. And for me meditation often takes on a form people rarely talk about because its complicated nature makes it difficult to explain or understand in any way that seems anything but antithetical to meditation. But sometimes for me meditation begins in what seems like unruly mind-wandering, pesky persistent, even perhaps trivial or distracting thoughts rolling out one over the other. But tonight before I had even traveled that far inside I felt a pleasing low tingle fizzing warm in all the right places. From the inside out I saw a glowing almost cartoon-like self… I saw and felt the vibration of the self I formlessly imagine myself being, auramatic, all the lights on inside and out—a radiant being of color and light. And the vibration of “her” as an ideal self emanated from me.

And out of this meditation no-no and glowing sense of self—which was so tangible I could open my eyes, think about the material world around me, then close my eyes and slide right back into the luminescent vision–I had my first revelation, something so seemingly simple that it had to come from Shiva. I began to fantasize about someone in my life, about having any man I liked with me now. I so wanted his touch and comfort, so wanted him to take me away from the god-awful loneliness and complete my womanhood. Yet these lonesome longings weren’t depressing, they were a flickering source of new light. The lesson was that Shiva, Lord of Desire, was filling me with desire! The very desire I had been praying for. A healthy, human, and eagerly anticipated and perhaps even holy desire. I want to be loved, physically, emotionally, sexually. Thank Shiva… I have desire which for so long I have lived without.

And then my mind moved, edging ever closer to another moment of clarity, which is what I call my revelatory moments… moments of clarity. Clarity. I know these moments to be divine because I only get them in moments of profound Godhead. In a neurotic world, a panic-stricken time, and time of great personal change and risk… clarity is divine, and nothing is more divine than clarity, not to me in light of my nature.

I choose not to discuss these things with cynics. It’s a waste of time. And we have so little of that. Can’t cynics see that their words and ideas are so wispy and frail in the shadow of Godhead experiences as to be not merely meaningless but pitiable? Their words have no meaning when such light shines holes through them, such words sparkle a little like dust in the light, barely existing at all, intangible then gone.

And then came another moment of clarity, three, not only is this divine in nature, but in number as well. 3. The all important number. I began feeling guilty about all this non-Shivacentric thinking, Then I realized that THIS was why Shiva had called me to this here and now meditation, it was not to kneel before him and give thanks and worship, nor even to find that peaceful awareness of Atma. No, Shiva had called me to meditation so that I could KNOW these things. That is valid. Shiva does not have to reveal his truths through narrow paths.

Which led me to another moment of clarity, and that being that the living of my life is worthy. Not only is it my Sva Dharma, but it is also a self-consciousness of a spiritual nature. The nature of my being shares a major commonality with that of Chaitanya and Lord Shiva to name only two. Some believe people of my nature are sacred, blessed, chosen. And so this life I am leading is one that needs paid attention to, It is one that needs to be appreciated. It is a gift. I know things other people will never know. This is not ego, this is gratitude. I have been granted a gift and I must cherish it and live every moment in awe of it.

I know what it is like to be born from a change in reality. When I made the decision to transition, it was not at all to “find” who I was, but to RELEASE who I am and was forever meant to be, like a second life released from the prison of the first—a Phoenix from the ashes. And THAT is a self-involvement worth examination. Again, this is not ego, but gratitude, the meditation I am meant to focus on. This is my path and my duty, to be me without compromise. My path is not like others, nor is it to become a traditional renunciate. No, I am a renunciate NOW, but a renunciate of a different nature.

I renounce through action, and that action is living my life.

Om Namah Shivaiya!

Dear Lakshmi,

There are so many things about Hinduism that I don’t get and am not ready for. I could write about this for days; at that, I could organize my thoughts for days THEN write about it for weeks. Some of my problems stem from my Christian background (Christianity never really took for me), but most of my problems wrapping my head around Hinduism lie in the fact that I am only a few months into my journey into Hinduism and the religion is–what–10,000 years old? I have a lot of catching up to do. I understand far less than I know and I feel and know far more deeply than I have a right to. The Gods have made their presences very known to me. THAT I do know. Simply put, I don’t need to have faith, I have experience. I don’t have to “believe,” as I have very personal and immutable experiences with the Gods.

I do not understand the relentless warnings in the spiritual writings against enjoying the sensuality of the world… not when every aspect of the religion seems to, contradictorily(?), celebrate sensuality: from Krishna’s flute playing and many erotic dalliances to Shiva’s association with desire and marijuana, then on to the lusciousness of the food, the barefoot sensuality (and jewelry), the delicious prasad, the incense and silks. Going to a Hindu temple is a sensual experience… as well as holy. I don’t understand this contradiction. I asked my Priest about this, saying that unless I misunderstood, the Bhagavad Gita (and other texts) warn against enjoying the pleasures of the world, yet the temple is full of sensuality… he simply said, “You do not misunderstand.” Even the answer was satisfying but did little to answer the nagging worry I feel over the seeming inconsistencies. About the only peace I found with this is to enjoy the mystery and not to think overmuch about it, though the Priest did add that I needed to give it time.

The thing I am really not ready for is the renunciation of worldly pleasures. Heavens… I’m not even ready to renounce the pleasures of the temple. And the reason I can not renounce worldly pleasures is that up until a couple years ago I lived a miserable soulless life of self loathing and self destruction. I was negative, drunk, bitter, angry, and had no soul nor joy. Now I am happy, yes, I have a lot of stress and fear, but I smile! And I smile a lot. I wake up grateful, even in the midst of my worries and my worst I am grateful. And at last, now, I have spirit. I have a soul. I have Gods who listen to me and interact with me. Why would I want to give that up? I am taught, in the texts, to seek relief from the cycles of death and rebirth, but finally, now, at this very moment… I don’t WANT released. I WANT to live! I want to BE HERE NOW.

I want to engage in the sensual world with abandon. I want to celebrate that I was born and be at peace with the fact that I will die. What if I am not only not ready but not in need of release now? What if knowing Lord Ganesha is watching over me is enough? What if knowing Maha Lakshmi is providing is enough? What if it’s all enough? Glorious!

Then what?

Now what?

Perhaps I do not misunderstand and I just need to give it time. Sometimes it’s best to listen to your Priest.