Hard on Ocala, Hard on Myself


Am I too hard on Ocala? Personally, no; inherently, yes. Ocala is OK if you like it, I don’t. There’s nothing fundamentally wrong with Ocala or being in Ocala, or liking Ocala, but I find little to recommend it so far as what I need and want out of my life and lifestyle.

Am I too hard on myself? YES!

I had a few negative encounters regarding my self-image later in the day (and one of them came about because I broke one of my cardinal rules). These are things I don’t want to talk about as they would reveal things about my nature I’d rather keep private… even from my dear diary readers. And, anymore I find that dwelling on drab dreary dreadful moments only feeds them and gives them power. I try to no longer feed the wolves that want to eat, oar at the very least, chew on me. Yet… some things hurt and leave me in doubt. And that is about all I care to say about the moments today that left me hurting and questioning. They happened. They are done and are NOT authoritative, mere aspects of my reality, aspects that are slowly weakening anyway.

But what did happen today that was good? Well, good for me, some women HATE it when these things happen to them. I was walking down Main Street in Gainesville looking for thrift stores and along the way I was pleasantly propositioned, cat-called in the most flattering way, complimented and honked at as cars passed. I was taken aback. Yes, this happens to me from time to time, but not usually so much in one outing. I have to admit that I was flattered… yes, folks, I am shallow enough to enjoy that sort of attention, but I have to confess that I fear some of the credit must go to my blouse (a white blouse with a glittery butterfly on it–people seem to like it) and even more begrudgingly I must give some credit to my $8 white straw Walmart hat. People like that, too. I get tons of compliments on it. It’s a big floppy white straw summer sun hat, and yes, I really did find it at Walmart. And I am becoming convinced that there is a little magic in that hat. In that hat I look like the person I want to be, at least to others. So, yes, Walmart shoppers, there might be magic in aisle 6, so keep looking.

Most of today was spent thinking about and working out the details of my new studio space at SAW. I was pleased that Tom was so eager to have me move my working life into his working space. I now have my own little corner… and it’s on the super cool loft. I mean, honestly, who wouldn’t want loft studio space? It took a lot of work to make it happen as the loft had become something of a dumping ground for chaos. I knew the space had potential and was delighted that Tom allowed me to find it. Of course there’s so much more to do to that space, but the bones are all there now. Now, I wait, tweak, and flood that space with the sensuality and decadence that will inspire and please me.

It just may be that my life is becoming good. Yeah, I’ll buy that.

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