Control

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When is it you realize you don’t have control over ANYTHING?! Does everyone get there? When did I get there? All I know is that at 6:30 p.m. Tuesday, June 19th, 2012 in my studio space/”workstation”—as Tom likes to say–at SAW in Gainesville Florida I realized, fully, that I have truly REALIZED that I have no control over anything, I never did, never will, and no one ever has. Moreso, the people who thinking they do believe in the myth that they should have control are the ones that either lock a girl in a basement or become Republicans. 

 Or perhaps I knew that all along but have, instead, finally decided that I’m OK with it. I, Justine Mara Andersen, have embraced the realization that I have no control over any aspect of my life. That isn’t despairing or cynical, no, it’s liberating, encouraging even. Most of the pain in my life has come about because of my attempts to impose control over elements that were out of my control… EVEN IF I had “caused many of my own problems.” No, it’s liberating because now I can fully embrace Krishna’s advice that I commit to seeing my worldly duties through with no expectation that the future owes me a return… of course I am paraphrasing and making a point with the concept. Spiritual lessons are twilight things, never being taught with a single level of depth or meaning. 

 This means I can just make art for art’s sake. I don’t need to worry about whether or not anyone sees it. Of course I hope they do and will work towards meeting that end, but that is where my emotional responsibility to the duty ends. I can not seek emotional or spiritual contentment only after I release a good-selling book. That is not the significant moment, the significant moment is the act of creating the book.  The earthly rewards are not even secondary… they are mere gravy I may or may not get in return.

 This goes for any endeavor, and to a certain extent reveals itself as a certain optimism, hope, and even faith. I take certain precautions, pills, herbal supplements and so forth to treat certain problems, but that is ALL I can do. I can’t allow my satisfaction to come about because of the results of an action, I have to find satisfaction in the action.

 Even just now, I dig makeup, the color, the drama, the fact that it takes my look back to the sixties and seventies, but today, even for me, I accidently put it on way too thick… I like it dramatic and flattering, not mask-like. But so what, knowing that I don’t even entirely have  control over my makeup—somedays it goes better than others, and most days how I see it depends more on how I feel than on what I’m acturally seing—and today it went on too thick. Now, knowing that I “did my part,” I don’t care. I went out, did what I needed to do, and I wasn’tt sufferening a thousand pangs of self-conscious anxiety over my makeup. 

 What’s really exhauasing is trying to talk to and deal with people who still believe they have control or one day will. I feel sorry for them for living under the pain of that illusion, but sometimes they exhaust me… as THAT illusion of control is the origin of obsessive fussiness and micro-managing, and greed, conservativism and so on and so on. 

 Yep, I know all this, but I still do the same crap myself. So what’s the point of learning the lesson then not allowing it to govern your life?. 

 Oh, sorry, you thought I was about to answer that question. Sorry, but  I have NO IDEA what the answer is.

 And that’s another thing, when did I realize that when it comes to most things,… “I have no idea what’s going on or why?…”

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