I Can’t Keep Up…


Well, funny how one minute you are essential, and the next you are being shown to the curb. Lost a job today that I had been told was going to last for years, a job in which I was made to feel essential for a lifetime. It’s funny how quickly people forget that you are essential. This is a job in which the client was going about telling people how I changed their life… which I did, and now, they just can’t afford my weekly fee, which was actually lower than what I was comfortable accepting all along. This is why I do not trust any situation as being stable. This may explain to some of my other employers and collaborators why I can NEVER relax in the certainty of my essentialness. This has happened so often, one minute I’m told I’m essential, life changing, the best, trustworthy. One minute praised for never missing a deadline, told how good my work is, and the next, “Sorry… really sorry… but…”

Well, “sorry” don’t pay the bills, no matter how much sugar your cover it with nor how much regret you inflect in your tone. No, it seems that it doesn’t fundamentally pay to be “essential,” problem is, I seem to have a hard time figuring out what does, nor what will pay the bills. Evidently whatever I have to offer, either as a teacher, artist, musician, or housekeeper it’s just not enough.

So far, certainty and a feeling of being essential has proven to be nothing more than an illusion, which is why I am all the more committed to being myself, being Justine, being bold, devotedly barefoot, and uncompromising. I don’t believe in seeking certainty or stability, rather sustainability, a life that demands little cash, and joy in what it means to live a life that is purely based upon my own vision of who I am and what I want.

For years my mother harped on me about certainty, about making safe choices, seeking reliability… well, if we’ve learned anything over the last couple decades it is that there is no certainty. Nope, health, home, work, it can all go with one little tumor, one little whim of a client, one foreclosure letter. The days are mine, I am not trading them off for the illusion of certainty, and I no longer believe that I am “essential” to anyone, at least so far as employment is concerned.

2 responses »

  1. The only essential is in the grander scheme of things. Everyone is essential there: to live, to suffer to die, etc.

    But to think a job etc, in the shifting strata of this culture and economy is ever certain, etc., is to be fundamentally wrong. The world is roiling right now; maybe it always is. It’s tough going.

    The universe wants our egos and personalities and bodies troubled.

    But you forge your real relationship with the universe with the spirit. But then you already know that…

    • I often forget what I “know.” The greater truths often take a backseat to the trivialities and the trifling realities of the daily grind of trying to find joy through Maya. So far as being “fundamentally wrong,” well, no doubt about that, I end up at that location a lot. Though I left a childish belief system that promised certainties behind… it still has its hooks in me, even after all these years. Though I would prefer to flow like water, I fear that I am really ice that gets terribly annoyed when it melts or someone takes a pick to me. Oh… thanks, Tom, for chiming in.

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