Off-Putting Mother Fucker


OK… so I’m sitting in a restaurant last week, I won’t say which one, but there was like one other guy in there. Of course this guy decided to start a conversation with me from across the restaurant, now I don’t know about you, perhaps I’m just uptight, but I don’t dig this. I mean, I don’t need some guy from across the dining room chatting with me over my Princess Bowl. So here’s where it’s weird, this guy was one off-putting mother fucker… I knew that right off… but I’m single, you know, ever hopeful all the same. You know the type, the off-putting type? We all know the type… they come in all types, in all off-putting shapes and off-putting sizes. This one was a grinner.

The grinning man sat there being over-enthusiastic about his vegan this-or-that, and though I couldn’t work it out, I swear he had a tattoo of Christ’s severed hand with a sparkly middle finger… like ET or something. At first I thought, “Don’t be judgmental… give the guy a chance… maybe he’s the one…” then the rest of me just screamed “What the fuck? Are you kidding?” The next thing I know he’s asking me “what that dot is on your head.” “A bindi” I said, trying with all I had not to sigh. Then he not only begins asking me what religion I am, but immediately tries debunking it with his impenetrable logic.

I could get specific about the details of our exchange, but I’m not sure the punch-line of this thing is worth it. Anyhow, he doesn’t like any of the answers to his questions about what Hindu’s believe. By the way, Hinduism is a 10,000 year old religion, it’s hard to explain the complicated intricacies of it across a restaurant through these over-simplified silly questions he was asking. But he kept asking questions, and then time and again he would sit back, pronounce some abstract negation of what I had just said, would grin and say “OK,” and then would go on. He would sit back as if he was really teaching me something. That’s was what intrigued me about this guy… he carried himself like a sage but was just whacked!

This dude was impressed with his brain. He asked if he could sit with me. Well, at this point I was still wondering if I was missing something here. See… that’s the thing about weird situations, I’ve learned that they are often not as weird as they appear on the surface, same with weird people. Plus, I’m a total softie, so I have a hard time saying no.

So… he joined me, then went on asking about why I choose to do good instead of evil, which, by the way, was pretty presumptuous on his part! I mean, in the eyes of many Christians, every day I’m condemning myself to hell for something or other.

He sat with me and quizzed me to the point of absurdity, and I caught on and realized this was all part of this script in his head so he could do this schtick he does, and all through it he would sit back as if he were the Buddha. And of course he would refute or attempt to deflate everything I said. Then came the final straw.

Wait for it…

He said “I have a creation story, wanna hear it? It’s short!”

“Well… so long as it’s short,” I dribbled, half whining, half murmuring, altogether exhausted.

He then told me how the universe was created when two rocks collided and left an impression, and all we are is a memory of a memory of a memory… OK.” He then sat back and grinned.

“Check please!” I called, turning all the way around to catch the attention of the waiter.

Well, first off, no, it’s not “OK,” and secondly, I had no idea what this guy was talking about or on about, or on at all.

I then did something I never do. I often suffer these loonies, and I don’t know why… am I afraid of hurting their feelings? But I had just seen “My Life Without me,” and it was about this girl who was dying of cancer, and one of the things she wanted to do was tell people what was on her mind, and I think subconsciously I was thinking of the scene in that movie when she did say what was on her mind (which, ironically, was also set in a restaurant), so I looked at the guy and I said: “Not only do I have no idea what you are talking about, but frankly, I’m just not that interested.” Is it mean of me that I felt really good about saying that?

He paused, then said he was going to leave in a moment, and explained that he’d just been trying to figure out why people do good instead of evil.

Buddy, you’re gonna have to work that one out on your own.

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