Breking News: Justine Scares New Students!


Breking News: Justine Scares New Students!

Justine Mara Andersen (putting on her very best “badass” teacher face and outfit) tonight at the SAW meet and greet terrified students before they’d even taken a class from her. School administration refused to comment. Actually, they hadn’t refused, but had already gone to bed.

“She threw this BIG intense hardcover anatomy book on the table, and about scared the crap out of us!” said one former student. It has been alleged that the sound of the book hitting the table startled the students, causing hearing damage in at least one student, who had just come in from rehearsals with his band “Pissing Agony.” He stated that “The ringing in my ears just wouldn’t stop.” Though it has since been verified that the student was found to have had a small bit of cotton in his ear from an earache he’d had almost two years ago. Apparently the ringing was caused when the vibration of the book hitting the table had dislodged the waxy obstruction. He now considers the event a minor miracle. As it turns out, he wasn’t a SAW student at all, but a passerby who had wanted to see where all the noise was coming from.

Witnesses said her introductory lecture to her coming classes invovled not only cussing (though far less than Kurt Wolfgang’s), but dramatic shows of ego and bravado unparalleled in the annals of SAW.

Justine, who spoke with us from “The Angry Room” in her home in the swamps had this to say: “Trust me.”

It is rumored that a few students who had already taken Justine’s classes are seriously considering repeating and taking the class a second time–possibly unprecedented in the history of SAW. It has also come to our attention that former night students are also signing up for Justine’s year-long class–also allegedly unprecedented. Again, when interviewed, Justine grinned a cockeyed grin and said: “Trust me.” While it had not been reported to administration, another of the new students stopped Justine after her controversial class introduction. When contacted, she said she told Justine: “I’m really looking forward to being in your class, I really need someone to kick my ass into gear.” When asked to comment on this, Justine rolled her eyes, put her head in her hands and sighed: “Trust me.” A student from India (also witness to this performance) said that he really enjoyed Justine’s performance, and laughed: “who throws a book on a table like that!” He added that he understood the comic duality of her performance. We’re not sure what that meant, but Justine claims to have understood the comment quite clearly, and sighed, “Jai Sri Krishna.”

Justine said, “Look, there’s a Vaudeville to this, I was performing in the field of opposites, and besides, who wants a timid teacher? I’m there not only to teach, but to engage. I teach through engaging, through entertaining. So I go a little over the top… it’s the arts! It’s the artist in me making my intro to my classes a work of performance art in and of itself. Art isn’t just what I put on paper, it’s how I live each moment. Why not be over the top? Hell, it’s comics, aren’t we supposed to be over the top, edgy, maybe even dangerous?” She shook her head, “Eh… look, I have students returning, students stating how much I taught them in a very short time, and one student telling me she needs her ass kicked into gear. Some people need to experience my approach. Trust me, just trust me, my methods work. Besides, once they come into my class and everything gets going, they’ll not only learn, but have fun. Look, I’m not going to tone it down for anyone, not because I refuse to, but because I don’t have to, I have to engage them, and I will. I’ve never had a student walk out of a class afraid of me, never. Trust me, I came on a bit strong, but it was just to reorient them. I’ve had students come in with the wrong idea about what I expect, I really need to break it down a little so they know what to expect in my classes. My class is a little more about sacrificing self expression and ego to tradition and discipline, and that’s tough for some people to do, especially if they hadn’t seen it coming. Now they see it coming and they can not only embrace it, but rise to it. I am challenging my students, and watching so many of them rise to the challenge has been so gratifying.”

When asked for comment Kurt Wolfgang, spilling his drink, had this to say: “Right on Justine!” When asked to comment a former student of Justine’s just laughed as she recalled the extremes of Justine’s controversial introduction.

“Just come to my class. Ultimately I take care of my students, that’s the point. I’m there to challenge them, push them out of their comfort zones… that’s where the growth is, but I only do this because I want the best for them, and most of the time I don’t think the culture demands the best of us, we’re all too afraid to anymore. We’re getting short-shifted by our own culture. I guess I’m a little old fashioned.” When asked if she had any regrets, she had only this to say: “Yeah, I regret that the anatomy book I threw wasn’t bigger and heavier and that a cloud of dust didn’t erupt from it when I threw it on the table, I think then everyone would have seen how cartoonishly funny it was. Can I say ‘cartoonishly?’ is that offensive? Edit that out.”

“Listen, this should be a vibrant and surprising experience, it shouldn’t be safe, it should even be a little dangerous.” She then winked and added, “Trust me, just trust me, it’s not only going to be a great year, but a fucking great ride! We don’t just teach at SAW, we give you an experience. Be up to it, be mindful of it, and enjoy the ride, I will, I always do.” We asked her one final question: “What am I doing tonight?” she said as she began to walk away, “Not much, go home, have a popsicle and watch Super Chicken cartoons I guess. Oh… and then stay awake all night worrying about stuff that’ll never happen.”

More power to ya Justine!

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