Drawing, or at least living for it, has turned me into a beggar. THAT, was not my dream, rather a betrayal of it. My dream was “To make a living as an artist,” never to starve, never to go months without any income, never to become an internet whore.
I share my art on Facebook (which I hate), and resent that I have to dance with that devil to to attend a party, that had I gotten an invite, I would have thrown it away. It doesn’t matter if you’re any good or not anymore, it matters how well you market, how charming you are… how many friends you have (on Facebook, no less?). Art is a popularity contest. Let’s just say this… in high school… I was not winning any popularity contests. Quite frankly, the modern way of doing things has exhausted me. So much so, that I am not even sure if what I want is worth the price I’m having to pay.
What I dreamed of doing, of being, is not there for me, and I’m not sure if it’s not there for me anymore because I’ve lost the hunger to pursue it all over again, or if it’s simply not there anymore. This world is not my home, this construct is not the one I had prepared myself for. This maya is rubbing me the wrong way.
So, what do I do? I launch a Patreon site, begging people to love me, to love my work, to send me money, like one of those people on a street corner with a cardboard sign, or far worse, like a someone in marketing. All I’m told now is I have to market myself to make it in the current climate… hell, had I wanted to go into marketing, I would have gotten a marketing degree. Had I wanted to win popularity contests I would have gone into politics. No, this world is not my home, this world has reduced me to a beggar, a marketer, and a narcissistic politician… a fucking whore. And the worst part isn’t that I don’t know how to do any of this, it’s that I don’t want any fucking part of it. Fuck Facebook! The fact that I am on it at all leaves me feeling, for the very first time in my life, like a fucking sell-out.
I have sold out, I am on Facebook, I am on Patreon, and to add insult to injury I am selling out for a pittance, for so little I cannot even pay the rent. Not only am I whore, I’m a cheap whore. But I’m in this squalor now, I’ve settled into this culture’s muck, and I’m going to have to learn to live with the smell of this sewage with every breath.
I’m going to have to put up with the assholes on Facebook who insult me because they misread my tone. I have to deal with men with fragile egos who defend themselves against offers of daises.
But my work, my Mara, is the same as she ever was, pure, a dark reflection of my soul.
Mara, a soul nourished on a diet of forbidden fairy tales.
Mara, an entity that rose up from the fertile soil of my struggles and insights.
She is all that is left of the purity of my ego.
The Mara story is my story, and I am Mara. I may have become a whore, I may have sold out as a human, but Mara, my work, is as pure as it ever was, in fact, more pure by far. I have sold out everything but Mara, she remains a demon and a goddess bound in the jungle of my ego, released through the grinding of my pencil as it scratches, seeks, sometimes fails but usually finds her on the page.
Welcome, Justine Mara Andersen, to the field of opposites, to the dualities of being, of being an artist.
And welcome Mara, too, because what has tainted me will be your cross to bear as well. My weariness will reflect in your eyes.
I will suck the cock of social media, but Mara will forever be a virgin. Her purity will have to carry me through this mire.
I will seek redemption through Mara, as I always have. I am willing to get my hands dirty and dance with these devils if I can keep her breathing. And you can help me keep her breathing.
May her feet stay bare and stray from harm.
If you want to see Mara come to life, if you want to become a patron of the arts, I am asking you to do so. Your contributions will help feed me and keep me alive, it will keep Mara running barefoot through her adventures, it will allow her to grow, perhaps beyond the bounds of Facebook. Help me help Mara, and you’ll get cool exclusive stuff, stuff about the process, scans of the work in progress, and the pleasure of knowing that the money you are donating is making a direct and immediate impact.
To become my patron: https://www.patreon.com/barefootjustine